I’ll admit it, I’m scared.  I’m scared for a bunch of reasons.  The colonoscopy is tomorrow – will they find something?  The last one happened 5 years ago, they found a polyp, and this is the reason I’m on the 5-year plan.  I’m terrified of the prep work with good reason to be.  The last time was plain old violent.  That is the only word I can use to describe it – violent.  And now there are two small children running about our house when last time there were none.  Granted, I have a wonderful husband who will be corralling them; but, as a parent it breaks your heart to be in that situation and not be able to help with the day-to-day stuff.

The Two Skraelings

I’m afraid I’m not cross-training enough which leads to me thinking I won’t be ready in May for the big day.  Once again, enter the two Skraelings (thanks to my brother-in-law for that word) who take up a big chunk of my time and leave me with little to nothing left outside of training.  Dave (the dear husband) has picked up my slack as I train for the Fifth Third River Bank Run but the poor guy can only be a single dad so long.

Those are the two biggest fears I have going on right now in my life and as I ran on the track this morning at the YMCA I had an epiphany – why am I so darn afraid of the unknown?  Can I control any of it?  Yes.  Can I do something about it?  Yes.  What do I do with the part I can’t control?  Let it go.

While I was pounding out repeats on the treadmill I thought, “Time to choke the life out of this useless waste of energy and focus.”  So here I go.  I can do what my doctor says with my prep work today and trust the nurse who told me my previous prep 5 years ago was RECALLED!  Recalled?  Seriously?  You mean to tell me the hell I went through was avoidable?  Nice.  So, the power of me and a bunch of other people telling their doc the day of the procedure that the prep was unbelievably horrible made a difference?  YAHOO!  With a change in focus and attitude I’m looking forward to see what the unknown has in store for me at 5pm.  No matter what, it really can’t be any worse than last time.

As for the actual procedure and what the outcome will be, I can’t focus on that.  I have no idea what they will/won’t find.  It’s a waste of time and energy to focus on the negative and what COULD happen.  Heck, I COULD get in a car accident on the way there and never make it to the appointment.  Am I going to focus on that either?  Nope.  Focus on what I can change and that definitely isn’t something I have any control over.

Onto the training part.  I can control this one.  If I’m so darn worried then I need to do something about it.  I’ve asked coaches Amy and Mike about running more than 3 times per week.  Both have said that I’m okay with what I’m doing right now.  Do ya hear that fear?  I’M OKAY!  When it comes to cross-training I need to step it up.  What can I do to get in another workout without it affecting my family.  How about you get your butt outta bed earlier, Kristen?  Sound good?  Another sacrifice on my end but it’s because this is the path I have chosen.  This is about me and what I want/need to do.  This shouldn’t effect my family so much that I put our relationship in jeopardy.

So, in the end I guess it’s how you address your fears.  Personally, I like to face them head on with a gleam in my eye daring them to hit me.  May not be your style or the smartest way to do things, but it’s my way.  I’ll keep you updated on how the procedure goes at 8:30am tomorrow.  If you can, say a few prayers for me as I’ll take as many as I can get.  I may be crazy but I’m not stupid.

Think about your fears, what you are in control of, and how you could possibly get rid of those fears.  Holding onto that negative thinking can eat you alive, destroy your health, and turn you into a different person.  I highly encourage you to let them go and control what you can.  I know I’m a much happier and healthier person when I do.  I would love to see you and meet you at the public training run this Saturday at the David D. Hunting YMCA downtown.  There will be a clinic on injury prevention at 7:20am and the run at 8am.

Tomorrow’s procedure?  BRING IT!